Recently I was at the cross-roads and required to move out to a new apartment. As soon as I got the new apartment, I got so hyped by the things in my new living space. Considering how sentimental this ‘old’ place meant to me, I was naturally sad to let it go. Yeah! Right now, you are rolling your eyes to the back of your head 🙄🙄🙄like ‘how is that any of our concern?’ Well, lil Missy, it’s not but I will tell you anyway LOL.🤗
That night I finally packed up all my shit, called the moving company and waited…The wait seemed to be taking forever, so guess how I decided to spend the 23 minutes it took the truck to arrive. Haha! (not my proudest moment🙈) but I decided to interview my furniture.
NB! If you are reading this, I am a fully functional and responsible adult who can tie her shoe laces and balance a checkbook. Thank you)
Moving on, I started the interview with the place I used the least. The Kitchen. I figured, start with hearing nice responses and gradually round them up.
Tanndy: Hi there, Dinas(aka dining table). How are you today? Do you have a quick minute for an interview?
Dinas: Sure, I do(without any enthusiasm). And I’m cold by the way, so do not take too long.
Tanndy: Oh dear! I do hope you get better soon. Anyway, I wanted to ask what your thoughts are on my plans to vacate this apartment? By all means, be as honest as possible.😋
Dinas: haha! I’m here complaining of cold and all your selfish ass could think of is ‘you’. I’m really not surprised, that’s how you’ve treated me all these years while living here. 😡Most of my colleagues in other apartments, have embroidered coverings on them but I’m here butt naked, serving your every guest while they mistreat me with hot food and occasionally drown me in wine(which I don’t mind, 😏), but the point is, I’m happy you are leaving. Maybe someone more humane will take better care of me when you are gone.
Tanndy: Wow! 😥! A lot of anger there. I’d like to ask more members of the kitchen board individual questions, but I suspect Dinas has corrupted them all against me. Where is the loyalty, mate? SMH!
Tanndy: 😃Hello, Miss Klosas(Closet with a large dressing mirror). I’m so sorry to bother you this evening but do you think I could borrow a bit of your time?
Miss Klosas: Oh, hi! Sure thing Missy, what about this time? Oh I see you came here today fully dressed. Must be a huge favor, but I’m gonna tell you right about now that I ain’t in no mood for Tanndy-favors.🙃
Tanndy: Oooookies! Why do you feel this way about me? Does this mean, you aren’t a tad bit sad I’m leaving?
Miss Klosas: Hell no! If anything, I’m leaping for joy. How I dreaded every moment you waltz in and stood admiring your glowing skin, perfect legs, gym-less abs and omg! the overall loveliness of your body. Well, guess who won’t be enduring that bullshit anymore? Klosas, haha! Go away. Good riddance. Oh and before I forget, take good care of that body before you get all sloppy like the last girl. Bye!😈👹💀
Tanndy: 😳They really hated me around here. What did I ever do wrong? I’m totally devastated about these vocalized feelings. Maybe I should stop here and just wave them all goodbye.
Beddy: Hey Tan, over here. I think we had the most fun, you and I. You see…
Tanndy: (turns around, a bit shocked) Hi Beddy, you were saying?
Beddy: Yes as I was saying, you see…🙃Klosas is just jealous you look better every time you visit her, with new clothes and shoes and some even heard her fuss about how perfect your figure is…meanwhile she remains the exact same way she’s been since her arrival here. Anyway, as I was saying about how much fun we had. Remember when you’d dress me up in every morning and made sure there were nothing but soft linen on top of me?😍
Tanndy: hmm, yes yes yes I remember quite well😁…I also remember all the warm nights we shared and the occasional cold winter nights we’d hug each other so tight. Good ‘ol days Beddy! Good ‘ol days! I’m certainly glad one of you enjoyed my presence in this place.😍
Beddy: oh I enjoyed your presence alright, except when you…😔you know had people stay over. You know, your mean friends who’d always complain how much softer I could be and sometimes suggesting throwing me out for a replacement. Hating ass…🤐
Tanndy: …🤫hush Beddy! Be careful in what terms you refer to my friends. We both know how horribly you bloat whenever you don’t say the right things. Besides be civil sometimes.
It soon dawn on me that neither one of them would miss me as much as I had in mind. In more interviews, others went on to complain about how stern I was whenever it was time for house cleaning. How I did not spend enough time with them and what not. Ungrateful bastards they all are. I was certainly not the loveliest person to them but they sure didn’t mind all the cool music I played to their listening pleasure.
One thing is certain, you can never satisfy a confident , self-sufficient, self-fish piece of shit furniture with self-awareness issues. Another thing is certain, I will never invest my time and effort into pleasing any new furniture again.
Finally the truck arrived and I hurried out. So grateful that my furniture can’t talk😂
I hope you are lucky enough to be surrounded by loved ones and pleasant furniture. Have a wonderful weekend y’all.
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